The I In Lie
by Lillyflower01
Summary: I put the I in lie Cause I'm a cheat, cheat, cheat * * "You can't keep doing this. You can't keep cheating on your wife. It's wrong! You have to choose between us." "I can't! I love you both." {Trigger Warning: Depression and Self Harm}
1. Chapter 1

**PROLOGUE**

Quiet conversation echoed throughout the expensive restaurant. A young waiter made his way around the tables, a polite smile etched across his face. He soon was standing next to a young couple in tight outfits.

"Can I get you anything else?" the waiter asked, his eyes trained on the brunette boy.

"If you wouldn't mind bringing out some champagne?" the brunette smiled.

The waiter nodded. "Of course, sir."

He hurried back into the kitchens, where he grinned at another waiter.

"Where's the ring?" he whispered excitedly.

The other waiter's face lit up.

"Is it time?" she grinned, her voice quiet.

"That's why I asked you where the ring was!" the first waiter laughed quietly.

The second waiter hurried around the kitchen until she found a bottle of champagne, a small golden ring sitting next to it. She poured the champagne into two glasses and set the ring next to one of the glasses along with a small red rose.

"Engagements are beautiful," she sighed happily.

The first waiter nodded happily in agreement. The two shared a grin before the first waiter grabbed the platter and once again headed out of the kitchen. He returned to the table, where the brunette was beaming at his date.

"Your champagne," grinned the waiter, setting the glasses down on the table.

"Dan?" a gasp escaped the date's lips. "What's this?"

The waiter grinned and slipped away from the scene as the brunette sank to his knee and took the ring between his fingers. The waiter's heart almost melted when he noticed how the brunette said his date's name. It was full of so much love.

"I've known you for so long," the brunette smiled. "You're the most beautiful person I've ever met. Not only your appearance-though you are outwardly beautiful. But you're gorgeous inside as well. You're so sweet and you care about everyone. You always know what to say. You never fail to make me laugh. You know everything about me, and I know everything about you. Words can't describe how much I love you. I love you with all my heart. No, more than my heart. I love you with my entire being. Now I know this speech is really awkward. I swear I tried to make it good, but nothing could describe just how much I love you. Basically, I was hoping you would agree to being Astrid Howell."


	2. Chapter One

**CHAPTER ONE**

Phil Lester sat on the cold bathroom floor, tears flowing from his eyes and blood flowing from his ankles.

 _'This is stupid,'_ he thought to himself. _'Letting your entire life go just for one damn guy!'_

Phil gritted his teeth in anger and squeezed and razor in his hand, not caring if it cut his palm.

"Stupid," he growled out loud as he left another cut on his ankle.

He sighed, staring at his destroyed ankles. Dan wouldn't be happy with him if he found out. But he won't find out. Phil was desperate to keep this a secret. Sure it was difficult now but it would be easier once Dan moved out.

That's right. Moved out. Dan was planning on leaving Phil for Astrid. Granted, it wasn't that surprising but it still stung. It almost made it official. Almost. But not quite. It wouldn't be official until the words "I do" had passed Dan's lips.

Phil shook the thought from his head and grabbed a towel, holding it under the tap before pressing it against his ankles. When he was done with that, he placed a few band aids over the cuts. He hobbled into his room and collapsed on the bed, burying himself under the blankets. He grabbed his phone, hoping to distract himself. Unfortunately every social media was overflowing with the picture Dan had just posted of himself and his fiancé.

Phil desperately wished he could hate her. And a part of him did. She stole the love of his life from him. Who wouldn't hate someone for that?

But she also made Dan happy. And she was honestly good for him. They liked all the same things, she was faithful to him, she seemed to like him for him and not for his fame, and she loved him.

So Phil didn't dare do anything to break them apart.

 _'He won't love you back anyways,'_ Phil thought to himself. _'He'd just find someone else.'_

Phil sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, tears starting to form once again.

Dan Howell entered his apart late that night. He crept quietly down the hall, being sure not to wake Phil. He collapsed on his bed, immediately checking his phone where he discovered he had a text from Astrid.

 _'I love planning our wedding. It's kind of exciting, isn't it?'_

Dan chuckled. _'Kind of? I would say more than kind of.'_

 _'Haha. Yeah, okay. Really exciting.'_

 _'Night babe. X'_

 _'Night x'_

Dan sighed happily. Everything was going so well. He was getting married, all the fans were supportive, Phil was happy for him, his parents were almost more excited than he was, and he was _happy_.

A large yawn overtook him and he begrudgingly gave into the idea that he would have to go to sleep. He rolled over to plug his phone in only to find his bedside table empty of a charger. He frowned, confusion filling his mind for a moment before he remembered that he had lent the charger to Phil before he left.

Dan quietly got to his feet and tip-toed into Phil's room. He rolled his eyes as he spotted Phil sprawled out across the bed, the blankets tossed carelessly on the floor. He was quite the restless sleeper. Dan made a move towards the desk, but froze. His gaze wide-eyed gaze was now trained on his friend. Or more specifically, his friend's scar covered ankles.


	3. Chapter Two

**CHAPTER TWO**

Phil's eyes fluttered open and he rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling. He really didn't want to see Dan right now. Or at all. It was too painful. He didn't want to be reminded of what he couldn't have.

"I have to get over him," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

He slowly stumbled out of bed, digging around in his drawer for a pair of socks. He pulled them on, asking sure they covered his scars, before wandering out of his bedroom.

' _Maybe Dan won't be up yet_ ,' he thought to himself.

But, of course, Dan was sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the wall.

"Morning," mumbled Phil as he tried desperately to sneak past Dan into the kitchen without conversation.

"Phil!" Dan exclaimed, stumbling to his feet. "Hi. Hello. How are you? Are you feeling well? Are you okay? Are you _okay_ ‽"

"Um...I'm good, I guess," Phil furrowed his eyebrows. "Just kind of tired. Why? Are you okay?"

Dan tightly wrapped his arms around his best friend.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Dan mumbled.

"What's this about, Dan?" Phil murmured.

He couldn't know, could he?

"Phil," sighed Dan. "I-I saw the cuts on your ankles..."

Phil sighed, burying his face in his friend's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, tears stinging his eyes.

"Don't apologize," Dan ran his fingers through Phil's hair, causing the older boy to shudder. "I just want to know why. Why would you do this to yourself? There are so many people who love you-myself included. You're my best friend. You've been here for me for years and I can't imagine my life without you. You honestly are the most amazing person I've ever met."

"Was that a pun?" Phil asked, in an attempt to dodge the question.

"I don't think now's the time," frowned Dan.

"I-I would rather not talk about it right now," admitted Phil, sniffling slightly.

Dan nodded in understanding. "Okay. We don't have to. But if you're ever feeling like doing this again, you come talk to me right away, okay?"

Phil nodded. "Okay."

"What do you want to do today?" Dan asked, pulling away from the hug and holding Phil at arms length.

Phil shrugged. "I dunno. I didn't have any plans."

"Well then let's make plans," grinned Dan.

"We? I thought you were going back to Astrid's place-"

"You're more important right now," Dan interrupted. "Your safety is more important than planning my wedding."

Guilt filled Phil's stomach. Yet the fact that Dan still found him so important made a small smile flicker across his face.

"So, any ideas?" Dan asked as he poured cereal into a bowl.

"Could we just hang out here and watch anime?" Phil asked. "Like we used to."

Dan nodded. "We can do anything you want."

"I miss hanging out with you like this," Phil admitted.

"Me too," Dan agreed. "I'm sorry I've been so busy lately."

"It's okay," Phil smiled. "I mean, I'd be busy too if I were planning my wedding."

"Speaking of which, we need to know what size suit you wear, so we can order the best man suit," Dan stated.

"You haven't even asked me to be your best man yet," Phil chuckled.

Dan furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"Oh Shit," he whispered. "I forgot to ask you."

Phil rolled his eyes. "You're a dork."

"Well, in all honesty, you should've known you were the best man anyways," smiled Dan.

"I kind of thought you wanted your brother to be the best man," admitted Phil.

"Now, Phil, don't be silly," Dan giggled.


	4. Chapter Three

**CHAPTER THREE**

Dan sighed as he stared down at his sleeping friend. So much had happened to him, and Dan didn't even know. In all honesty, Dan felt kind of shitty. He didn't know how long this had been going on, why, or how to fix it.

Dan sighed and gently scooped Phil up in his arms, carefully carrying him back to his room. he laid him down on the bed, making sure he was in what appeared to be a comfortable position, before turning to head out of the room.

"Dan?"

Dan chuckled softly,turning to look at his friend. "I thought you were asleep."

"I am," mumbled Phil.

"Goodnight," smiled Dan.

"Wait, Dan," Phil yawned sleepily.

"Hmm?"

"Cuddle with me? Please?"

"Okay."

Phil woke up the next morning tangled in someone's arms. He glanced up through his eyelashes, his heart leaping when he recognized Dan. Phil slowly pulled away from his friend. He stood awkwardly by his bed for a moment, trying to remember how Dan ended up in his bed in the first place, before quickly scurrying towards the kitchen.

Phil hadn't been up for very long when a tired looking Dan stumbled into the living room.

"Morning," mumbled Dan, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"Good morning," Phil responded, chuckling when Dan collapsed face first on the couch.

"Mmm. How are you?" Dan asked, reaching up blindly and accidentally smacking Phil in the face.

"Dan!" Phil laughed.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" Dan exclaimed, rolling onto his back.

"It's okay," smiled Phil.

The two sat there for a moment, gazing into each other's eyes.

"So...Um..." murmured Dan. "I get it if you don't wanna talk about it-and that's okay-but I just want to know what's wrong...and if I can help..."

A small sigh escaped Phil's lips and his blue eyes darted down to stare at his sock-covered feet.

"If you don't wanna talk about it-"

"I do," Phil said. "I just...You're not gonna like it."

"I'm not going to like anything that causes you pain," whispered Dan. "Just tell me, I promise I won't be angry."

The brunette sat up straight, pulling the Raven-haired boy into his lap in an attempt to comfort him.

"O-Okay," mumbled Phil, his heart pounding against his ribcage.

Dan hummed quietly as he ran a hand through Phil's hair. "Whenever you're ready."

Phil took a deep breath, stumbled over a few meaningless syllables, sighed, and tried again. But he couldn't get anything out. The words were stuck in his throat. He knew what he wanted to say but he couldn't say it. The words wanted to come out but they just weren't. Phil took another deep, shuddering breath and glanced up at Dan who nodded encouragingly at him.

"Dan I think I'm gay," blurted Phil, playing with the hem of T-Shirt.

"That's okay!" Dan exclaimed. "Nothing to be ashamed about. You know I'm bi, and I'll support you no matter what."

"I know," muttered Phil. "And that's not what I'm upset about. I...I think..."

Dan tightened his hold around his friend.

"Dan it's who I'm in love with that's doing this to me," Phil sniffled.. "I love him and I can't have him but he's happy and I'm so selfish because I'm not happy for him!"

Dan quietly shushed his friend, pressing his lips to his forehead. Phil could feel sparks explode where Dan's lips had been a moment before.

"They're not worth your pain," the brunette murmured. "You're too good for them."

"You don't understand," whispered Phil. " _You're_ the one I'm in love with."

Dan suddenly became very aware of the position they were in. He stared at his friend with wide eyes, his mouth hanging half-open.

"Dan?" squeaked Phil, looking slightly terrified.

Dan didn't reply. He just continued to stare, looking shocked.

"I-I'm sorry," whimpered Phil. "I'll get over it, I promise. I know nothing will ever happen-"

"Phil."

Phil quickly snapped his mouth shut, dropping his head so he was staring down at his lap.

"Phil, it's okay," murmured Dan.

Phil glanced up at his friend with teary eyes.

"No it's not," he whispered.

Dan carefully placed a finger under Phil's chin, forcing him to look him in the eye.

"It's okay," Dan repeated. "Just...Just don't hurt yourself because of it anymore, okay? Please?"

Phil bit his lip, staring past Dan's head. Eventually he nodded, a small "Okay" passing his lips.

"I'm gonna hold off on moving in with Astrid," Dan informed. "I'm gonna stay here with you for a little while and make sure you're okay. Alright?"

Phil nodded.


	5. Chapter Four

**CHAPTER FOUR**

Dan sighed as he stared at the kitchen doorway, hoping Phil would appear. But the doorway remained Phil-less. Dan clutched his cup of coffee, a frown stretching across his features.

Phil had been distant the last few days and Dan was starting to become very worried. He didn't want to intrude and he knew Phil needed his space, but Dan was starting to sorry that his best friend was hurting himself again.

With another sigh, Dan quickly made another cup of coffee before trudging towards his friend's room.

"Phil?" he called out, kicking the door with his foot (Seeing as his hands were rather occupied with coffee).

A moment later the door slowly creaked open, revealing a rather tired looking Phil.

"What is it?" he yawned, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"I brought you coffee," Dan held the mug towards his raven-haired friend.

"Thanks," murmured Phil, taking the cup.

"Erm-Is it okay if I come in?" Dan asked.

Phil nodded, stepping aside to allow Dan to wander into the room. The brunette sat on the bed, awkwardly tapping his knees. Phil sat next to him as he silently sipped his coffee. For a few moments the two of them sat in silence before Dan worked up the nerve to say anything.

"Are you alright?" he blurted.

The corner's of Phil's lips tugged downwards.

"Isn't there anything else we could talk about?" he frowned. "Every conversation seems to start with _'are you alright'_."

"I just want to make sure you're not hurting yourself," insisted Dan. "And you haven't talked to me very much in the past few days, I'm just worried."

Phil sighed, suddenly feeling very guilty.

"I'm sorry," he murmured.

"Don't be," muttered Dan.

There was another short silence.

"Do you wanna bake something?" Dan asked.

Phil nodded vigorously. Dan jumped to his feet, a large grin on his face. "C'mon then!"

" _Phillll_ , where are the marshmallows?" Dan asked, a slightly accusing tone in his voice.

"Err..."

" _Please_ tell me you did not eat them."

"Um..." Phil quickly turned away, searching through their music selection.

" _Philllll_ ," whined Dan.

"Oh c'mon, I didn't know we were gonna be baking so you really can't blame me," giggled Phil.

"Fine, fine. We just won't have marshmallows," sighed Dan.

"Awww," pouted Phil.

"You were the one who ate them!" cried Dan. "Don't you dare get all sad with me."

Phil just grinned up at his friend.

"C'mon," he chirped. "We have to put the brownies in the oven! The sooner they go in, the sooner we get to eat them!"

"Okay, okay," laughed Dan. "I'm putting them in."

Phil beamed, bouncing on the balls of his feet as Dan slid the brownies in the oven.

"I'm still upset you ate the marshmallows," teased Dan. "That was gonna be the best part!"

"They were just gonna go on top. They'll still be good," Phil insisted.

Without saying a word, Dan scooped up a bit of flour from the bag beside him and rubbed it on his friend's nose. Phil squealed, causing Dan to laugh loudly.

"Why would you do that?" whined Phil.

"Because you ate all the marshmallows and need to be punished," Dan responded.

Phil could feel his cheeks heating up quickly so he hurriedly spun around, grabbing his own handful of flour, and tossed it in Dan's general direction. And that's how they spent their time, chasing each other around the kitchen while Patrick Stump's solo album played quietly in the background.

Dan yelped as Phil dumped a handful of flour down his shirt, causing him to squirm uncomfortably.

"That's not fair!" he whined as Phil giggled.

Dan grabbed his friend, pinning him against the counter as he rubbed flour into his hair. Phil squealed loudly, laughter erupting from his throat.

"Ha!" Dan teased, smirking widely.

Phil smiled at his brunette friend, his face slightly red from laughing and a few giggles still passing his lips. And then Phil suddenly became very aware of the fact that Dan had him pinned against the counter, his hands on his hips, and the older boy's face quickly turned a deeper shade of red.

"Erm-" Phil coughed awkwardly. "I-I'm just gonna go-"

Phil barely had time to finish before a pair of lips were on his own. A small gasp escaped Phil's lips and for a moment he stood stock still. Then he slowly raised his hands to rest on Dan's shoulders, pulling the younger boy closer as his eyes fluttered shut.

Phil's mind was blank, because Dan Howell was kissing him and he had wanted this for as long as he could remember and _Dan Howell_ was actually kissing _him_!

But it was over all too soon.

Dan suddenly seemed to realize what he was doing and pulled away with wide eyes. His hand raised up to ghost over his lips.

"I-I-I have to go," blurted Dan.

Phil didn't even bother calling after Dan. He just stood there, using the kitchen counter to keep himself upright as he let Dan bolt out the front door.


	6. Chapter Five

**CHAPTER FIVE**

Dan didn't return to the flat for the rest of the day. Phil didn't bother worrying about him-he was probably just at Astrid's-so he spent the rest of the day watching TV and almost burning the brownies. Although it probably didn't matter if they were burnt Or not seeing as Phil didn't really want to eat them anymore and they'd probably be cold by the time Dan got back. Of course, Dan would still eat them, he would just complain about them not being as good.

Meanwhile, Dan _did_ in fact go to Astrid's house and tried to forget about the kiss by burying himself in wedding planning and fun late night activities.

Dan awoke the next morning with his limbs tangled with someone else's. His eyes sleepily blinked open and he smiled softly at the girl sleeping next to him. Astrid quietly stirred and she mumbled something incoherent as she rolled onto her back.

"What was that?" Dan smiled, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

"I said good morning," Astrid said with a yawn as she slowly opened her eyes.

She hummed quietly as she stared up at Dan, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"You look nice," she smirked.

"I'm not wearing anything!" exclaimed Dan.

"Exactly," Astrid said, a chuckle emitting from her throat.

Dan rolled his eyes. "Ohmygod."

He leaned over the bed, searching for his clothes as Astrid giggled.

"Maybe you should take a shower before you get dressed and head back home," Astrid suggested.

Dan nodded and pulled himself back onto the bed, burying his face in the pillow. "Good idea."

"Speaking of home, how much longer until you move in?" Astrid asked quietly as she sat up and nervously played with her fingers.

"I don't know," mumbled Dan, rolling onto his side. "I just want to make sure he's alright."

Astrid nodded. "I know. Is he doing any better?"

"I hope so."

"Do you know what was making him...ya know..." Astrid trailed off awkwardly, staring down at her hands.

Dan bit his lip nervously. He should probably tell her, she has a right to know. They were going to be married soon and keeping secrets this big probably wasn't the best choice.

"No idea," murmured Dan, his fingers crossed under the blankets.

"I'm sorry," frowned Astrid. "I hope everything works out."

Dan nodded. "Me too."

Astrid leaned forward, gently pecking his lips. " _Ew_. Morning breath. Okay, you go take a shower and I'll start breakfast."

"Or you could come with me and we could make breakfast together?" suggested Dan with a small smirk.

"You're very convincing."

When Dan finally got back to his flat, he found Phil still fast asleep on the couch with some crappy television show playing quietly in the background. Dan chuckled quietly and turned off the TV before turning away to hide in his room. He had only been on tumblr for a couple minutes when he heard someone walk down the hallway. A quiet-almost hesitant-knock caught Dan's attention and he answered with a small "come in". He glanced up as the door slowly creaked open and Phil poked his head inside.

"You're back."

"Yeah."

Heavy silence blanketed them and Dan has started debating whether he should start a conversation or go back to scrolling tumblr and ignore Phil until he left. But before he could come to a conclusion, Phil had already spoken.

"I'm sorry."

Dan quirked an eyebrow. "For what?"

"You know what."

"No I-"

"Don't play dumb with me. And don't make me say it out loud."

Dan sighed and glanced down at the keys on his laptop. Of _course_ he knew what Phil was talking about, but Dan had been hoping that they could just forget it ever happened. He wanted to be able to go back to being happily engaged without all of this guilt. He felt guilty last night with Astrid and he felt guilty looking at Phil now. And in the back of his mind he wondered if he would ever _not_ feel guilty.

A quiet sigh met his ears and he could hear Phil turning around to leave the room. Dan's head snapped up and the words were tumbling out of his mouth in a rush-and they probably weren't the best words for him to say.

"Don't mention it to Astrid...or anyone... _Please_."

And Dan immediately wished to take those words back. They made it sound like he had cheated on Astrid-which he had-but saying something like that out loud made it feel _real_. And now that the words felt real, the guilt was almost overwhelming.

Phil stood still in the doorway, his lower lip between his teeth and his hand clutching the doorknob. Those words made his chest ache. Not only because they meant Dan wanted to preserve his relationship with Astrid rather than pursue one with Phil (not that Phil had expected Dan to pursue a relationship with him), but Dan just sounded so _desperate_ -almost as if he were begging.

"I won't," murmured Phil.

And with that he was gone, leaving Dan feeling desperate and guilty and strangely alone. Dan collapsed backwards, his back hitting the soft material of his bed, leaving tumblr forgotten for once. He took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut, his teeth grinding together. He could feel the familiar sensation of anxiety building in his stomach and he gently pressed his hands against his stomach, right below his diaphragm, as if it would fight off the unfriendly emotion.

How could he get himself into this mess? He sighed and thought back to the evening before. What could have possibly made him want to kiss Phil? Phil _did_ look awfully cute with all the flour in his hair. But Phil looked cute a lot of the time. Did that mean he liked Phil back? If so, why the hell did he have to discover this _now_? That was most definitley _not_ fair.

"Oh god, I'm a terrible person," groaned Dan, running his hands through his hair and down his face in frustration.

No matter how cute Phil looked (with or without flour in his hair), it wasn't an excuse for Dan to cheat on his wife.


	7. Chapter Six

**CHAPTER SIX**

"Dan, I love having you here, but don't you think you should check on Phil?"

Dan bit his lip, his eyes focused intently at the pictures of possible wedding suites. Slowly, he glanced up at her through his eyelashes and he could see the small frown on her pink lips.

"He's fine," Dan responded in a small voice.

"Are you sure?" asked Astrid. "You've been here almost all week-You've barely gone home. I know what it's like to have depressed friends and sometimes it's hard to tell if they're alright or not. I honestly think you should check on him, I don't want him to do anything drastic."

Dan sighed and let his head fall back onto the couch cushions. He knew he should be back home, he should be making sure Phil was alright. But he couldn't bring himself to look at Phil-let alone _talk_ to him. The guilt was all too much.

"Dan, are you okay?"

Dan's eyes flickered back to Astrid's face as he felt a soft hand on his shoulder.

"I'm fine," he murmured, forcing a small smile.

The smile felt _wrong_ on his lips. He felt like he shouldn't be allowed to smile-real or fake. He had done too many bad things and didn't deserve to be happy. He didn't even deserve to fake being happy.

"I-I think I'm gonna head home," muttered Dan.

Astrid nodded. "Okay."

"I'll see you soon," Dan promised as he stumbled to his feet.

He pecked her softly on the lips before turning to head out of the door.

When he returned to his flat, everything was eerily quiet. It was as if the entire world knew something bad was going to happen and it was already mourning. Dan could feel anxiety returning to his stomach and he quickly took three deep breaths, placing his hand below his diaphragm. He shouldn't be getting this nervous about talking to Phil. It was _Phil_ for god's sake.

As Dan slowly made his way up the stairs, a familiar sound met his ears. A sound that made his stomach clench and his hands shake. The sound of someone crying. Well, maybe crying wasn't the right word. More like sobbing. The heart wrenching, cry until you think you're going to throw up type of sobbing.

Dan forced himself to speed up, rushing towards the sound. He came to a halt next to the bathroom and his heart rate sped up. This couldn't be anything good.

Dan quickly knocked against the door, crying out Phil's name in urgency. The crying subsided slightly and Dan sighed sadly, knowing his friend was trying to muffle the heartbreaking sounds.

"Phil, please let me in," Dan pleaded.

Phil sniffled and choked back a sob before responding. "Y-You're no-ot us-sually-y ho-om-me unt-til la-ate."

Dan flinched at the cracking in his friend's voice.

"I know," he said. "And I'm sorry. But I'm here now so please open the door."

No response. The only thing Dan could hear from the other side of the door was Phil's small sobs. After awhile Dan was finally ready to just give up and wait until Phil left to get something to eat (he couldn't stay in there forever) before confronting him, but before he could even move two steps the door was slowly creaking open and Phil's tear stained face was staring through the crack between the door and the wall.

"Phil," Dan said breathlessly.

Phil didn't say anything in response. He just stared up at the younger boy, looking rather small.

"Phil, why don't you come out and we can talk?" suggested Dan, quietly.

Phil silently fiddled with his hands, his eyes darting down to stare at his feet.

"Okay," he agreed after a moment.

He slowly pushed the door open, his gaze not moving from the floor. Dan's eyes darted down, a small sigh escaping his lips as he noticed the bandages on Phil's ankles. Dan almost felt as if he had been deflated. There had been some small part of him that had hoped Phil hadn't done anything to hurt himself. But he should've known that the universe wouldn't play that nice.

"Did you at least clean the cuts?" Dan asked, taking Phil's hands in his own.

Phil nodded quickly.

"Okay," murmured Dan. "C'mon. Let's talk about this somewhere else."

He quietly led the older boy into his room, letting them both collapse on the black and gray duvet. Dan bit his lip, his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to decide what would be the best thing to say in this situation. Eventually, the only thing he could think of to say was:

"Why?"

Phil shuffled his legs anxiously, flinching slightly.

"I..." Phil exhaled through his nose, his lower lip worming its way between his teeth. "You were gone for so long. I hardly saw you anymore. I just thought...I thought I had done something wrong..." his last words came out as a whisper

"Oh god," mumbled Dan. "Phil, I promise you did nothing wrong. If anything, I did something wrong. I should've been here for you."

"It's okay," Phil said with a tight-lipped smile.

"It's not," Dan insisted. "I was feeling guilty after..." Dan paused to swallow, as if it would rid him of the nervousness he was feeling. "after the kiss. But that's not an excuse to ignore you. Look, if I ever do that again, you just come right up and slap me across the face."

A small chuckle escaped Phil's lips and Dan felt some sort of pride at the fact that he was able to make Phil laugh during this time, even if it was just for a few seconds.

"Why did you kiss me?" Phil asked, sounding small.

Dan sighed. "I dunno. It just sort of felt right. I mean, it couldn't have been right because I'm engaged and I cheated on my fiancé. _Oh god_ , Phil, I cheated on my fiancé!"

"It'll be okay Dan-"

"No, Phil, it's not okay! Cheaters are bad people Phil! Have you ever read a story where the cheater is the good guy‽ No!"

"Dan, you're not a bad person," Phil smiled softly. "You just got caught up. It's okay."

"It's _not_ okay!"

Phil's eyes darted back down. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Dan insisted. "You have nothing to be sorry for. This is all my fault."

Phil chewed anxiously on his lower lip, his bright eyes staring at their still interlocked hands.

"So the kiss didn't mean anything?" he asked, quietly. "It was just a spur of the moment type of thing?"

"Okay, here's the thing. I think I like you too," Dan answered honestly. "You're really cute and nice and overall a good person. But I'm getting _married_. And it sucks that I discovered this _now_ because we could've been something, but I don't want to ruin my relationship with Astrid. So I think it's best if we just stay friends."


End file.
